First, from my seven-year-old:
I am not sure what I did to deserve such a label (not to mention the alarming spectacle of my head and arms coming off, and the highly convicting Bible verse), but since the card was delivered with a grin and contained a two-dollar coin lovingly taped inside, I suspect I shouldn't worry too much about it.
Then from my five-year-old, whose favorite pastime these days is teasing his father:
Clearly I have passed on some seriously warped genes to my children. I apologize in advance to all the people that will be forced to deal with their bizarre sense of humor.